Leg Tents

March 31, 2010

Next in my series of then and now that we neophyte geezers love to post. Who remembers Larry Bird? Boston Celtics. Right. Check out this pic. of the Bird on the right. He is wearing the standard uniform of the Celtics when he was playing way back when. It comprises about five square feet of materia land could hardly of impeded him during the game. Now take a look at a more recent player below. He is wearing what amounts to a small two-man tent which he has to drag up and down the court. Dont give me that new material horsehockey! The same thing has happened in ‘soccer. The shorts we used to laugh at from the 1940’s and 1950’s; down to the knees, huge ballooning width; they are back. Not only that some players wear what appears to be black or white cycling shorts underneath their ‘leg tents’. Modesty on field? I doubt it. If there is a technical reason for these hilarious uniforms I’d like to hear it. Men! You have legs, lets see ’em!

Software to Fear..

March 19, 2010

Closing down my desktop computer has become even more nightmarish than ever. In addition to those annoying messages announcing the closure of programs you never knew you had opened or knew were even part of your computer comes a message that could strike fear into the user not just because it is masterful in its ambiguity but because can we be sure it is only talking about a bolshie piece of code.

“changes have been made that affect the global template, Normal.dot. Do you want to save these changes?”

A terrifying concept. The shape and form of the whole globe might be changed by a single click of my mouse? Software that dares us to remake the world?

I always say, no.

I recently posted an example of an error message the utter uselessness of which continues to stun me.  And lo voices came from near and far to witness the increasing cacophony of utterly useless messages that programmers buried deeper than Dilbert in CubeLand somehow imagine are going to assist us as our MS Office Suite  amongst other collections crumbles to dissipated unit charges.  From a good friend and yet a programmer himself comes this gem:

Failed to obtain non-faulted channel before timeout expiration of 10000 milliseconds.  See inner exception for last exception caught in create channel loop.

And my own contribution today is this little beauty:-

The import and export command is not available. Run Outlook Setup again to configure import and export correctly.

Not lacking in the adventurous spirit I went looking for the Outlook Setup as directed. You guessed it, not available on this planet.

It’s not as if the companies that design and sell software are really short a few dollars and might decide that error messages should mean something to a larger user population instead of the three or four in each state currently ‘available’ (sic).

So, I appeal to you. Send me your weak, your sick, your mightily transgressive message and we’ll at least give it a more ‘open’ airing.

A recent outbreak of poison oak rash in my family reinforces my feeling that we are not welcome here on Earth. I could accept this if I were getting news that our Mother Planet was nearby and will soon be sending ships to bring us home.

Amongst other clues to our unsuitability for permanent residence I could point to the appalling damage we have done, are doing and actually plan to do to this globe. I could mention the steady arrivals of disease, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, meteors, right-wing demagogues, and blondes who cant sing. We are not from here, or welcome here. I say put out the radio beacons! Mommy! Where are you?

This is a piece I wrote in a class fourteen years ago..almost prescient.

Man has for as long as we can surmise used animal symbolism to exaggerate, encourage, strengthen skills ands knowledge that were necessary for survival. Many are the people who adopted the name and so hopefully the power and grace of the animals they admired. In rites and practice the symbiosis (?) grew stronger and much speculation is given over to how much the wolves actually sensed mans hunger for his essence.

 In a softer, or should I say, more secretive age, the animals that man admires, adopts and absorbs have less to do with survival than with image. Men wish to be cold and efficient, they attempt to become machines. And today’s machines, closer to life than ever before, are a kind of animalia. Ceaseless movement, and , so long as the batteries last, the perception of a crude and basic intelligence. Man grows closer and closer to machine – animalia symbiosis. How long will it be before the first PC is actually embedded in a person to avoid that so cumbersome human to microprocessor interface? Wired thus what is the animal and what is the machine? Where does intelligence reside?

 But for many animals inside are the words we paste onto emotions that often we wish were elsewhere. Our layered existences ands social laundering seem to make it convenient to ascribe our basic hungers and needs to internal beasts over which we have little control. Do I have an animal name for my itch, my heartburn, my physical hunger, my sexual longing, my tiredness, my pain and all the other presences of daily bodily existence? Only half a catalogue I am afraid. But then again I know animals so little that the infinite varieties of my internal world find few matches in my knowledge. Almost funny to think that in the cerebral cortex the amino acids and synapses storing my animalia are just a micron or so removed from the ones that signal the very senses that could use their labels. What function stands between them?

My next post will deal with what happens when we do indeed have ‘Cranial Chips’ and are real ‘Chipheads’.

I recently upgraded my database program to the latest version. This seems to have really upset some other programs, most notably MS Word and MS Outlook. Spellcheck no longer works and every document opening is preceded by this dire warning.

“The function you are attempting to run contains macros or content that requires macro language support. When this software was installed you chose not to install support for macros or controls. “

Well, excuse me!

The help key sends me to a page where the instructions are equally mysterious and unhelpful i.e. They don’t help.

Letting In

March 11, 2010

Combining thoughts about animal care with megalomania, here is a short poem.


I let the cat in early tonight

I gave the cat a touch

The cat is eating its food

Night drives in as I touch the cat

Night gives two nickels for the cat and me

Night is coming anyway

Night always comes and surprises the cat and me

The cat and I are forgetful

The cat is glad to be in I guess

I’m tired of letting cats in

I’m tired of night being a surprise

I want the cat to say thank you

I want night to send a calling card

I want control of the animal and planetary world.

A few years ago I was fooling around with some copy writing and invented a new company, Dunsinane Associates. It was Halloween and the Shakespearean allusion was too good to miss. Here is that copy. I think you’ll agree that such a company is sorely needed.

Dunsinane Associates

Modern Witchcraft for Modern Clients

ש   ╬

~ All the benefits of the ancient arts

Without the smell and guilt ~

Witchcraft has been largely overlooked in today’s Modern World. Overlooked, discarded and abandoned in favor of the seeming efficiencies of technology and logical thought. This is especially true in the world of business. Companies that once secretly or openly resorted to the use of a tax-deductible malicious service have gradually changed tactics and now almost wholly rely on what may be called good luck. The profession of Witchcraft has to assume much of the blame for this. It refused to move with the times; insisting on retaining its frankly rather nasty and smelly uniform; employing only the ugliest candidates for its top positions, and ignoring all the basics of customer service and support.


Dunsinane Associates is the first Dark Arts company to become fully integrated into modern business. Recognizing that in the moral sense nothing has changed in the business community led to the conclusion that a high quality and responsive malicious service with an understanding of 21st century business systems would be a very desirable commodity.


Taking on Dunsinane Associates as your dark partner will almost immediately set your company on a different plane on the road to success. Our customized spells and curses put you in the driver’s seat when it comes to an unseen advantage. We have spent many centuries perfecting all our best and most potent formulations, recipes, curses, spells and maledictions.


We enjoy a very high success rate, and retain customers by delivering everything asked of us. 

Our partners are the best that the darker side has in professional; services. Take a moment to consider some of our most popular offerings: –


v      Malaise of various and sundry forms

v      Spiritual decay and early demise

v      Transmutation., Lizards are our specialty

v      Lassitude and Gender Reversal

v      Portfolio Failure and 401(K) evaporation

v      Amorous rejection and unlikely coupling

v      Uncontrollable flatulence

v      Warts


*New offering for politicians…Speaking the Truth


Please also ask about our domestic programs with special rates for Royalty and other easily mutable forms of life.


Our rates are very competitive and only occasionally involve loss of life or actual soul. We are fully insured and charge only a minimum if our service fails to achieve the desired result.


“I asked for my rival company to become the target of a takeover and sure enough they were bought by a chain of Australian newspapers; thank you Dunsinane!”


Reginald Smallnuts

A former magazine owner


“Now that my elder Brother has become a Chihuahua my life is reaching its full potential, thanks to Dunsinane!”


Johnny Doomed, A very small business owner

Dunsinane Associates

 Dastard Ragwold, Magister

Faustia Grillheart, Transmutrix


Everywhere You Are

Telephone: Birnamwood 3

E-Mail: newhags@scotsblood.net

I have confirmed a date for my next show at Sherman Clay Moes Piano’s. Afternoon of July 25th. It is a long way off, but you all knew that Billy Joel and Elton John would be in town over a year ago, so why not my show too? I will add lots of new songs and readings, and ask you if there is any piece that you would like to hear. Of course I will sing some Brel, Lehrer and Flanders and Swan, but I am curious about your interest.

It’s a Sunday afternoon performance, so I suggest Powells Books, my Show, Cocktails at Blue Moon or Jakes and dinner where you will in that order. BTW I am still looking for that perfect ‘other location’ for my show. Bigger than a bus shelter, smaller than the Keller, cheaper than nothing.  John Kazee..the Flying Fingers of Multnomah remains my accompanist. His Public Service sentence does not expire for another year.

My S.S. Number is….

March 4, 2010

Not here, but surely identity thieves are always surprised at the amount of personal information people gladly make public in blogs like this one. I imagine an I.D. Thief crouched over his laptop just aching to know that one last piece of information that will make hacking into someones life a snip. Name of their first dog. Mothers middle initial. First car you bought-crashed-stole. Street where you grew up. Favorite ice cream flavor. Home town.

innocently enough you wrote all about these and hundreds of other clues that the thief can add to a patchwork of information about you and your increasingly vulnerable identity.

So, if you are reading this I do want you to know that when I was six I had a cat named Rufus who grew to be twenty when he was run over by a motorbike on the Autostrada del Sol. He liked the first of my Fathers wives more than the other four, but always slept with me in my tree house. The one that my uncle Spazmo made for me when I was living in Northern Herzegovina. I am not sure who my real Mother is/ was. Father never kept very good records of who conceived whom. Probably some tax avoidance thing. Those were the days. Oh and I forgot. My best friend in the whole world is called Meph. It’s short for Mephistopheles. He helps me with a lot of my unfulfilled wishes. Dont mess with him. He is really connected.